I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
