so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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