By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
