I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
