dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This baby is an asshole
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
false alarm, still single
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