I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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