6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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