if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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