When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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