Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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