We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
