The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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