Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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