why didn't you poke me back
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
