i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
