Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
