There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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