No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
