Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
