There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
