Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
