I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
