Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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