i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
