i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
