the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
