We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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