I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
