I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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