she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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