In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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