This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
