I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
They have beer where we have blood.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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