you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry