I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Randomize
