3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.