I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.