why didn't you poke me back
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.