Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad