ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!