I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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