Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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