there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
