My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
