you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
