ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
