so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
