I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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