I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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