i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
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It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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