Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
