she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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