I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
