I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
