Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
