He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
