Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
