I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
