If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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