he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
