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Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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